Posts Tagged ‘sports satire’

Danica Patrick to Ditch Indy, Nascar and Race Go-Karts Instead

August 26th, 2011
Patrick Nascar

Patrick looks bitchy as ever.

In a shocking turn of events, IndyCar racing superstar Danica Patrick has shocked the beer-drinking and farming world by announcing her departure from IndyCar racing, and the decision to pass-up an opportunity to begin a full-time career with Nascar.

Instead, she’s trying her hand (or wheels) at Go-Kart racing.

When asked about her ridiculous decision, Patrick said, “You know, I’ll probably get judged negatively for leaving IndyCar racing. And I’ll probably get a lot of flak for passing up a huge opportunity in Nascar. But, hey, sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I just felt that racing Go-Karts would get me back to my roots. The speed of the tracks has gotten to me. I’ll be honest. And I just need to slow things down a bit. Besides, it’s much easier competition, and I get an odd satisfaction from flipping off teenagers in my rearview mirror. » Read more: Danica Patrick to Ditch Indy, Nascar and Race Go-Karts Instead

Cam Newton Wins Most Inaccurate Rookie Passer Award

August 26th, 2011

The award for the most Inaccurate Rookie Passer was awarded to Carolina Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton on Thursday night, following his amazing 6-for-19 performance in which he threw for a whopping 75 yards.

Despite the award generally being presented after the completion of the regular season, league officials called it early and decided that no other rookie passer would have a chance at catching up with Newton’s insanely untouchable inaccuracy.

While Newton’s beautiful 6-for-19 passing performance was award-worthy on it’s own, the rookie passer has managed to complete less than 50% of his passes through three preseason games, causing even the horrible free-throw shooting Shaquille O’Neal to tear up. » Read more: Cam Newton Wins Most Inaccurate Rookie Passer Award