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The New Planet | The Frozen Planet Kepler-22b & Who’s On it?

December 6th, 2011
Kepler-22b The New Planet

Kepler-22b The New Planet

Yesterday NASA confirmed the discovery of the first planet outside of our solar system that has a “habitable zone”. Basically, they found another planet that human beings can live on.  Yes, that one that they’ve been telling us might be there, it’s real?  Maybe I’m a nerd, but my mind is blown at the possibilities.

Imagine another planet that actually has oil left, where we could drill and start shipping it back here?  One where there’s a fresh unpolluted atmosphere.  This planet now is there, so many many miles away from ours.  Maybe there’s people there?  Maybe there hostile?

Wouldn’t it be a super fantastic site to send off a bunch of stuff you hate into outer space?

 

So I figured it is such a great fantasy that I’d make a list of all of the people or things I’d like to send there today:

  • The concept of Global Warming – We’ll push that to Kepler-22B
  • Crest with Scope
  • Kim Kardashian
  • Dasani Water
  • Charlie Sheen
  • Baseball
  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Burnt Popcorn
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Mexico
  • Piers Morgan
  • Non-Crispy Bacon
  • Kris Jenner
  • Guys With White Sunglasses
  • Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi
  • Middle back seat of small cars
  • Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino
  • Ritalin for Young Boys
  • Donald Trump
  • Raiders Fans
  • Brett Ratner
  • Speed Bumps
  • The guy who  writes 1000 Tiny Things I Hate

 

Bye Bye.  On 2nd thought, maybe I’d just go there and start my own world.  Probably not, what’s an intergalactic shuttle run these days?

 

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Posted in Charlie Sheen, News, Not Worth Reading, Satire

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Danica Patrick to Ditch Indy, Nascar and Race Go-Karts Instead

August 26th, 2011
Patrick Nascar

Patrick looks bitchy as ever.

In a shocking turn of events, IndyCar racing superstar Danica Patrick has shocked the beer-drinking and farming world by announcing her departure from IndyCar racing, and the decision to pass-up an opportunity to begin a full-time career with Nascar.

Instead, she’s trying her hand (or wheels) at Go-Kart racing.

When asked about her ridiculous decision, Patrick said, “You know, I’ll probably get judged negatively for leaving IndyCar racing. And I’ll probably get a lot of flak for passing up a huge opportunity in Nascar. But, hey, sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I just felt that racing Go-Karts would get me back to my roots. The speed of the tracks has gotten to me. I’ll be honest. And I just need to slow things down a bit. Besides, it’s much easier competition, and I get an odd satisfaction from flipping off teenagers in my rearview mirror. » Read more: Danica Patrick to Ditch Indy, Nascar and Race Go-Karts Instead

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Posted in Satire, Sports

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Cam Newton Wins Most Inaccurate Rookie Passer Award

August 26th, 2011

The award for the most Inaccurate Rookie Passer was awarded to Carolina Panthers’ rookie quarterback Cam Newton on Thursday night, following his amazing 6-for-19 performance in which he threw for a whopping 75 yards.

Despite the award generally being presented after the completion of the regular season, league officials called it early and decided that no other rookie passer would have a chance at catching up with Newton’s insanely untouchable inaccuracy.

While Newton’s beautiful 6-for-19 passing performance was award-worthy on it’s own, the rookie passer has managed to complete less than 50% of his passes through three preseason games, causing even the horrible free-throw shooting Shaquille O’Neal to tear up. » Read more: Cam Newton Wins Most Inaccurate Rookie Passer Award

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Posted in Satire, Sports

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Casey Anthony Acquitted, Vows to Steal Sports Memorabilia Back

July 5th, 2011
Anthony Not Guilty

Casey Anthony's stock is on the rise.

Casey Anthony was officially declared Not Guilty today, July 5th, 2011. Anthony, facing life in prison or the death penalty for the murder of her daughter, Caylee Anthony, received three Not Guilty verdicts for the worst charges, while receiving Guilty verdicts for three counts of false information (or lying to police).

Upon hearing the Not Guilty verdicts, Anthony broke into tears and was consoled by her defense team. After regaining her composure, Anthony approached the microphone and said, “That takes care of that. Now I’m going after my sports memorabilia that’s rightfully mine”. » Read more: Casey Anthony Acquitted, Vows to Steal Sports Memorabilia Back

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Posted in News, Satire

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Movie Isn’t Realistic, Says Only Sane Guy In Theater

May 11th, 2010
angry guy

Fuck this movie!

Okay, I really do have to apologize for “ruining” everyone’s night and movie-going experience here, but come on, someone has to step up to the plate and get this out in the open.

What the fuck is up with people leaving doors open all the time?

I get that it’s not “real” and that this is “just a movie”, but can we all just agree that the director of this film is one absent-minded fuck?

Okay, so here’s how it plays out, for those who missed it: » Read more: Movie Isn’t Realistic, Says Only Sane Guy In Theater

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Posted in Satire

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How To Dress Like Bret Michaels

January 11th, 2010

HOW TO DRESS LIKE BRET MICHAELS

1. Hair must be long in the back (use extensions, Bret does) *extra credit for bleach blond
2. Hair must be tied back with a bandanna. (be sure to keep it wide minimum 4″)
3. Hoop Earrings (the more the better, both ears minimum)
4. GuyLiner GuyLiner (take your girls black eyeliner and do four to eight strokes underneath your eyelid)
5. Bracelet and/or Watch (bling)
6. Tight Jeans (bleached) *extra credit for holes
7. SUPER Tight Brand Name Tee-Shirt (I actually used my wife’s tee-shirt for this picture
8. (Optional) Cowboy Boots
9. (Optional) Cowboy Hat
10. (Optional) Shiny Belt Buckle

If you can put this list together, go out and be Bret Michaels for the night. You WILL NOT regret it.

Here are some photos of me at the party.

Unskinny Bop

I'm Bret Michaels

Both Bret and I have a double chin

PS- If you send me your picture dressed up like Bret Michaels I WILL post it here on Laughing Gas Online.

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Posted in Not Worth Reading, Satire, The Look-a-Like's, Uncategorized

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Stephen Colbert vs. Chuck Norris – Quick Breakdown

November 3rd, 2009
Round House

Chuck's Rooundhouse, Can Kill a Husky

Slow Down, I know what you’re thinking.  Chuck Norris with one quick round house kick would Texas Ranger Stephen in two seconds flat?  Maybe twenty years ago.

stephencolbertsuperhero

Stephen, With his sword of Truth

Now, Today, Stephen Colbert is a spry 45 years old and Chuck Norris is 65.

 

That’s a twenty year age difference and anyone who watches professional fighters knows that even a year or two can make or break someone’s chance of winning.

chuckvsbrucelee

Chest Hair, Ouch

Chuck Norris still stays in shape with his total gym, but it’s not like Stephen doesn’t work out as well.  Remember, lets look at Chuck’s record.  Sure, he’s had some wins?  Well, at least in the movies where he’s pretend beating up jokers.  In real life, Bruce Lee owned Chuck.

You say, “That was Bruce, and he’s bad ass in his own right”, but did you know about Chuck’s humiliating loses to Joe Lewis and Allen Steen?  Did you know about his loss to Louis Delgado. On November 24, 1968?

Chuck Norris Homless

It Would be Cool to Get RoundHoused By Chuck

Of course Chuck ended up avenging most of his losses and I’m a huge fan of his past accomplishments, but I have doubts that he could take Mr. Colbert.

DNEWS CHAFFETZ.CIT

Chaffetz Loses By Decision Against Colbert

Stephen is no stranger to physical contests.  Earlier this year he leg wrestled and beat one of his long time opponents.  Stephen has a huge gang of followers.  I’m not saying that Mr. Norris doesn’t have any fans, but has he ever been ordered to shave his head by the president?

stephencolbertsweetness

Sweetness

If You’re doubting that Stephen would have a chance, don’t forget about his .38 revolver “Sweetness” that Stephen carries on him at ALL Times.  If you read into Stephen’s past you’ll see that he’s had a hard life, and I’m not going to get into details because this is a comedy blog, that would be over the line.  We can argue a good case for Stephen, but who knows, Chuck might be able to take him?  I really don’t know.

tolietpapperofchucknorris

Toilet Paper of Chuck Norris

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Posted in Satire, Uncategorized, VS.

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Ever Use Bushism to Your Advantage?

October 27th, 2009
Tasty Evil Doer

Tasty Evil Doer

We’re not saying that the former president eats kittens or anything weird like that.  What we are saying is that during his 8 years in office he has participated in some strange and unusual activities, let’s focus on some of his quotes.

Crazy George Bush Quotes aka “Bushisms”

where to start?

“I’ve abandoned free market principles to save the free market system.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

“I didn’t grow up in the ocean — as a matter of fact — near the ocean — I grew up in the desert. Therefore, it was a pleasant contrast to see the ocean. And I particularly like it when I’m fishing.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2008

“We’ve got a lot of relations with countries in our neighborhood.” –George W. Bush, Kranj, Slovenia, June 10, 2008

“I’ll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008
Here’s one that you can use anytime you accept a promotion.

“So long as I’m the president, my measure of success is victory — and success.” –George W. Bush, on Iraq, Washington, D.C., April 17, 2008

You can find more “bushisms” at: http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm


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Posted in Opinion, Satire

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New Gayness Test Under Development

October 27th, 2009

There are some new studies being conducted in China, of all places, on how genetics effect the way the brain responds.

Basically, you can ask someone just a few questions, and based off of their answers (comparing with results from thousands of others) you can determine their sexual preferences.  We don’t have access to the actual question/survey but we’ve developed on internally.  Fill it out below. Let’s have some fun.

What’s Your “Gay Score”?

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Posted in Gayness Ratings, Opinion, Satire

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First Confessional – Tim Reiff

October 26th, 2009
I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

I'm Only Gay if I like it, Right?

Tim Reiff – Date Rape, Urr No?

My name is Tim Reiff and I have a heavy story that’s been on my chest for at least 2 years.  I haven’t shared what happened to me with anyone, not even those who are closest.  This event has caused me to seek therapy with a medical professional.

During my therapy sessions, Dr. Howard expressed that it would be very beneficial to arrive at a point of closure.  To get there, first I need to have identified with what happened.  Then I need to tell someone, and I decided to go with this blog.

Two summers ago I went out drinking from my friends.  I’m going to leave out the gory details but I woke up in a van.  And no,. Chris Farley Fans, it was not “down by the river”

This rusty Chevy van was parked downtown in the ramps.  Long story short, I woke up with a used rubber stuck between my ass cheeks.

I’m really not sure exactly what happened, but I will never drink “swamp water” again.  I did it, I went to the physical level of Man Love.  I know I’m not gay, but what was I thinking?

LGO Answer-

@ LGO we have been discussing doing a confessional category where we take submissions from our subscribers or views and post them here on the blog.  So if you have confessions, write them up and send them to us.

We’re not touching the confession up above Tim, Sorry.  We think you should keep your past between you and your therapist or man-rapist, whichever it is for you.

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Posted in LGO Confessionals, Satire

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