In a shocking turn of events, IndyCar racing superstar Danica Patrick has shocked the beer-drinking and farming world by announcing her departure from IndyCar racing, and the decision to pass-up an opportunity to begin a full-time career with Nascar.
Instead, she’s trying her hand (or wheels) at Go-Kart racing.
When asked about her ridiculous decision, Patrick said, “You know, I’ll probably get judged negatively for leaving IndyCar racing. And I’ll probably get a lot of flak for passing up a huge opportunity in Nascar. But, hey, sometimes a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I just felt that racing Go-Karts would get me back to my roots. The speed of the tracks has gotten to me. I’ll be honest. And I just need to slow things down a bit. Besides, it’s much easier competition, and I get an odd satisfaction from flipping off teenagers in my rearview mirror. Yeah, I said it. So what?”
Patrick will start her Go-Kart racing debut on September 26th at Zippy’s Zaney Lanes. Also in the competition will be up-and-coming 8th grader Craig Donaldson, college freshman Zach Dila, former male figure skater Zahn Duhan, 9-year old lemonade stand entrepreneur Mandy Lyle, and town bully Scott Shields.
Said Shields, after punching out three of his competitors and taking their lunch money, “I have the best go-kart these bitches have ever seen. You should see how fast I can get it to 40. Danica Patrick is going to be slightly, slowly, possibly, almost, in some manner, eating my dust. And if she doesn’t, I’ll punch her out like the rest of’em”.
And so it seems, even with a drop down in level of competition from an outward stand-point, Patrick still has her work cut out for her.