Yeah, that’s right.
After weeks of searching for just the right place to do it, and the right materials to use, I accomplished my feat.
I really don’t have to go into much more detail, I’m sure.
Alas, I will.
I successfully masturbated 7 times when I was a junior in high school. Lotion. Pamela Anderson. And then there was the couch.
Other experiments were born and died that day, but we don’t really have to dwell on the mistakes our youth brought on us.
Let’s just say that June 13th was a fantastic mix-bag of porn, new websites I’d never heard of, Cinemax, and, as I stated before, Pamela Anderson.
But that was then, and this is now.
Just yesterday, I found myself all alone. No one to awkwardly knock on my door. No roommates barging in at the wrong moment.
I could turn the volume up, and let the dirty happen. And I did. I just did.
It was truly a magical day.
And I bet I know what you’re thinking. “Sick. Just sick. That fucker jacked his shit eight times. That’s disgusting.”
Right and wrong in the same thought, fair friends.
Lucky number nine.
That’s right. I was in top form. Refined, well-oiled. Well, you get the idea.
My goal here is not to disgust you. More, to enhance my image as a member of the public, by being completely blunt and honest with you, regarding my sexual endevours.
It’s not that I wish for you to take part. Oh, God, no. I’m a one-man show, by all accounts.
I just want to be accepted.
I know I’ve been gaining wait. My eyes aren’t what they used to be. And my strength is waning.
But I practice what I preach. Literally. And I just wanted you all to know that, in my own privacy, I am a master of my domain.
And it’s not a bad thing.
I’m not out taking pictures of 12-year old girls, raping young, hot joggers, or going to strip clubs every Friday night.
No, I’m a good guy.
I keep to myself, stock up on lotions and free sex sites, and check my e-mail for those freebie videos every god damn day.
Because that’s all I have to live for these days, and as pathetic and sad as it very well may be; at least it’s honest.
It’s just that beautiful/ugly truth.
That fine line between perversion and hottness, I proudly walk.
At least what I do is something that the majority of the world does, or has done. Albeit, I went at it 9 times in a 24-hour period, but you get my point.
This is all more than I can say for my neighbor, Ted Radlefield. The fucker with the long white hair.
It’s like a naked George Carlin is staring into my window with his binoculars. And smiling.
But, I digress.
I just wanted to get the word out that I’m not a pedophile or a hermit.
Just a guy doing his thang.